How to Boil an Egg

So Buzzfeed posted a new clean eating challenge. The masochist in me decided this would be a good idea. As with the previous incarnation, most of this looks good, some looks highly questionable. I think I will be passing on the leftover omelet on Wednesday, for example. Reheated eggs? No thank you.

I had every intention of starting this on Saturday, but then I woke up slightly hungover from Friday’s adventures and just really needed some pizza. As a result, I spent at least three hours on Sunday cooking and prepping and chopping and slicing and holy shit is this a lot of work. 

Day 1:

Breakfast: 

Banana coconut green smoothie

Not much to report here, the coconut water gives it a nice subtle flavor, but it makes it a little thinner than the smoothies made with almond milk I’m used to. I’d give this a 7/10, on a scale of ‘this is healthy so no matter how good it is it will never taste like the ice cream shake I actually want’.

Lunch:

Roasted vegetables with parmesan and hard boiled eggs

First of all, I hate onions and I’m not a big fan of fennel (which I discovered after attempting the last Buzzfeed clean eating challenge) so this required some substantial substitution on my part. I made the asparagus, as directed, and subbed some carrots, cauliflower, and half a can of quartered artichokes for the fennel and onion. I also used olive oil instead of canola because hello have you heard of this thing called flavor? Apparently not.

Secondly, I would just like to say that their ‘perfect hard-boiled egg’ instructions were a giant pile of steamy dog shit, as far as I’m concerned. Maybe the laws of physics are different on my stove, but my eggs came out most definitely in the category of ‘soft boiled’. I would say they needed at least two additional minutes, possibly more. Since they weren’t completely done, this also made them incredibly difficult to peel, as they’re still a bit gelatinous and stick to the shell more easily. What the shit, Buzzfeed? Anyway, once I managed to pry them from their calcium encrusted prison, I was able to almost quarter them, as shown in the photo. You can actually tell from the photo on Buzzfeed that their eggs were only slightly more well done than mine, so clearly they needed some more time.

Aside from the undercooked egg fiasco, which would have been less frustrating if I hadn’t been absolutely starving and really impatient, this meal was actually delicious.

Dinner:

Slow cooker salsa verde chicken with cauliflower rice and green beans

I made the chicken with a roasted serrano, tomatillo, and garlic salsa my husband had made last week. I also put it in the slow cooker on low for 7 hours instead of on high for 3.5.  It needed some salt, but it was pretty good.

I made the cauliflower according to their directions (mostly), but I forgot to add the soy sauce (woops). I also didn’t make it into ‘rice’. I attempted a ‘cauliflower fried rice’ meal a while ago which I found to be a massive waste of time, so I just chopped the cauliflower into florets like I normally would, browned it a little, put in some chicken stock and simmered it covered until it was tender. Pretty damn good. I’m sorry, but cauliflower doesn’t taste like rice, cauliflower doesn’t have the consistency of rice, and frankly, I think pulverizing the poor vegetable in a food processer is just unnecessarily depriving it of its natural texture, which I happen to like. You’re not making rice, you’re making cauliflower. Embrace it. If you want rice, make rice. Whatever. 

Followed the directions for the green beans. They were fine. I’m not a huge fan of green beans, but I have no major complaints with this preparation.

Overall this was a totally decent meal. I threw some chives on top of the chicken and cauliflower as suggested, and I served the chicken with some extra fresh salsa as a sauce.

Night Snack:

Chocolate

Snack snack:

I didn’t make the broiled grapefruit today because honestly I was sick of being in the damn kitchen. I’m intrigued by it, though, so I’ll make it eventually. Stay tuned.

Next day prep:

Banana, chocolate and coconut popsicles

Made these, left out the coconut because I don’t really like shredded coconut. Totally blew off buying Dixie cups, so my brilliant husband suggested I put them into my silicone cupcake cups. I knew I married him for a reason. I also blew off buying straws/popsicle sticks, so I guess I’ll just be eating them with a spoon? Also, this made more than I expected. They seem like they will be good, though they mostly just taste like banana.

Chia pudding with strawberries, fig, and almonds

I’ve made some incarnation of this a bunch of times, so no surprises here. It’s a fairly tasty breakfast, other than kind of having the consistency of snot (sorry, but it does). The only challenge was finding dried figs, which my husband finally tracked down in the chip aisle next to the raisins. I assume these are what they meant? They’re actually pretty good, though as expected, they mostly taste like raisins. They mellow out a bit in the pudding and add an interesting texture. I was happy with it. 

Lessons for the day:

1. Stop trying to murder cauliflower, people. It doesn’t want to make you be something you’re not, why are you projecting your insecurities onto it?

2. I need to have kids so I can make them do my chores for me.

3. Almond butter is $13 a jar. What is it exactly about almonds that make them better than peanut butter? Why do they think they’re so damn special? Fuck you, almonds. Fuuuck you.