Never Get Involved in a Land War in Asia

So, I recently re-watched the animated version of Anastasia with Meg Ryan (weird casting) and Kelsey Grammar (even weirder casting), and I realized something. This movie is basically Russian monarchist propaganda. They blame the entire revolution on Rasputin's curse, as though the people weren't really unhappy, it was just because Rasputin had a vendetta and cursed the royal family. It explains the motivation for the revolution as nothing more than one man's personal revenge scheme. There's also a song that includes the line: "Since the revolution our lives have been so gray" Basically, they're saying that everything has pretty much gone to hell since the monarchy fell, which may or may not be true, but you can't imagine that the peasants were that much better off under the czar.  They were starving. See also: Bloody Sunday. The czar's family are certainly sympathetic characters, regardless, (except maybe Alexandra, who may or may not have been banging Rasputin on the sly) so I dont really know why they decided to go the 'monarchy is good and the peasants were all suffering from some mass delusion caused by crazy ass Rasputin' route. I mean, they shot Anastasia's family in a basement. Was that not enough? They couldn't leave the politics out? If I were Russian, I'd be kind of pissed.

Also, at the end, they make it seem as though Anastasia has to choose between Dmitri and claiming her place as the heir to the Russian throne. Does anyone really care if a princess without a throne marries a commoner? Are there even rules about that? What was she going to do, muster an army, invade Russia, kill Lenin or Rykov or whoever, and re-instate the monarchy? I think we all know how that would have ended. In the wise words of Vizzini, "Never get involved in a land war in Asia."

And now for something completely different:

I made chimichangas last week and they were epic. Check it:

(marinade - this is basically carne asada)

3/4 lb flank steak
1/4 c. red wine vinegar
1/4 c lime juice
1/4 c oil (I used canola)
1/2 c water
chopped garlic (I used 2 cloves but I love garlic, so...garlic at your discretion)
1tsp cumin
1tsp chili powder
1tsp oregano
salt and pepper

Combine all ingredients and let marinate for at least an hour. I whisked the shit out of it so it emulsified a bit because, as you know, oil, water, and vinegar don't really mix. You can also throw in some cilantro. My husband hates it, so I left it out this time.

Assembly stuff:

4 flour tortillas (medium size)
about 2 cups shredded cheddar
beans (my recipe follows, but you can totally use canned refried)
oil for frying
guac, sour cream, salsa, yellow rice

Grill the flank steak - sear it on both sides, it should be about medium rare. take it off and let it rest for at least 10 minutes. Cut it up into bite sized chunks. Grab a tortilla, plop some beans on it, put 1/4 of your chopped flank steak on the beans, grab a fistful of cheese (how much? a fistful.)

This much.

Put it on there, wrap your tortilla up into a square (I used toothpicks to hold it together, but you probably don't have to, just remember to remove them before you try to eat the thing and stab yourself), and fry. If you have a gas range, I would recommend heating your tortillas up for about 10 seconds on each side on one of the burners, this makes them easier to fold. If you have an electric stove, you can stick them in the oven at 350 for a few minutes until they're more pliable, but watch them carefully so they don't dry out and get crispy. Maybe brush some oil on them (calm down. you're going to fry them anyway).

I pan fried mine in about a half inch of hot oil (fry on the toothpicked bottom side until golden, flip, fry on the other side until golden, remove to a paper towel). I was too lazy to break out the deep fryer, but I'm sure that would work even better. You could also theoretically bake them, but what the hell kind of fun is that? This Mexican restaurant I used to go to as a kid would deep fry them, then cover them with cheese and stick them under the broiler, just in case you needed some extra cholesterol. I may do that next time actually.

Serve with guac, sour cream, salsa, and yellow rice.

This was more than enough for 4 chimichangas, which was more than enough for 2 people. We actually only ate 1 each, so I would say this serves 4 adults, unless you are Dolph Lundgren.

Beans

(I stole this recipe from my chef husband, so the proportions are kind of vague because he never measures anything. Just keep tasting it and add more if you need to.)

1 can of black beans (do not drain)
1 small to medium garlic clove
cumin
chili powder
onion powder
oregano
salt and pepper

Chop garlic, fry in some oil until golden. Add can of beans. Sprinkle onion powder, chili powder, and cumin (I leave the sprinkle lids on and give each a good solid two shakes, maybe a little more for the cumin since it tends to clump), probably about half teaspoon of oregano or so, and salt and pepper to taste. Stir to combine. Heat until bubbly. If you've got bacon fat lying around it would also be awesome to fry the garlic in that, because bacon.

Anyway, look at this bad boy. BOOM:

You're welcome.

The Horcrux of the Matter

So we have a long weekend because of Labor Day. Seemed like a good excuse for a Harry Potter Marathon.

9:30 am - I put in The Sorcerer's Stone

10:06 something occurs to me:

Harry: "Hagrid, what exactly are these things?"
Hagrid: "Goblins, Harry. Clever as they come, goblins, but not the most friendly of beasts."

Things? Beasts? I mean, they talk. They're clearly not animals. Hagrid says they're clever. They're bankers. The have large noses and ears. Check out this side profile of Griphook:

That's not a racist stereotype, right? I'm just reading too much into this....right????

Are they....are they supposed to be Jewish? Way to be a racist dick, J.K. I felt this was a good time to step away for a few minutes and do some dishes.

10:43 - Maybe it's the accent, but Oliver Wood is kind of hot. Yes, I realize he's like 15.
11:49 - Harry straight up murders a dude. He's 11 years old. That's fucking DARK.

12:03 - Concluding remarks - I really wish they could have worked in a musical number for Richard Harris. I seem to remember that Dudley had to have that pig tail Harry gave him surgically removed. I know Dudley was kind of a dick, but really Harry, you couldn't have removed that for him magically? Taking things a bit far, aren't we? Also, there seems to be about one 20 some odd pound turkey per every 4 students at the end of the year feast. I hope they're donating all those leftovers to the poor or something.

12:05 -Chamber of Secrets. Dobby, as the slightly less annoying Jar Jar Binks of the Harry Potter universe.
12:16 - Molly Weasley's clothes are batshit crazy. She dresses like some sort of flower child bag lady. Look at this fucking getup:

"Wanna buy some quaaludes?"

2:38 - Concluding remarks: Lucius Malfoy is a fox. Ron's facial expressions during the entire spider sequence are fantastic and completely accurate. "'Follow the spiders'?? Why couldn't it be 'follow the butterflies?'"

2:45 - The Prisoner of Azkaban - That Jamaican shrunken talking head thing on the Knight Bus is creepy as FUCK. Also, Richard Harris has been replaced by Michael Gambon. Frown.
Hermione: "Is that really what my hair looks like from behind?"
4:30 - Marathon interrupted due to bird rescue and trip to grocery store. There was an injured crow on our street. I retrieved him and named him Tinkie.

5:29 - Goblet of Fire
5:32 - Another dude gets murdered
5:34 - It occurs to me that this may well be Robert Pattinson's best work. He just has to stand around and look pretty and not say much. He's good at that.
6:02 - I have now started drinking

8:52 - Order of the Phoenix - I have a reasonable buzz at this point. 
8:53 - This movie is miserable. This book is miserable. Everyone IN this movie is miserable. The  high point is where Umbridge may or may not get raped by centaurs: http://www.cracked.com/article_19397_the-5-most-depraved-sex-scenes-implied-by-harry-potter.html
Number one on that list has actually crossed my mind on several occasions. Particularly, what if Hagrid's DAD was a giant?
9:14 - Gary Oldman is a fox. I've thought so since the Scarlet Letter, but that's probably a subject for another blog entry.

Do my shoe buckles make you uncomfortable?

9:21 - Ok wait...I'm confused as to why Harry never saw the dead horse things pulling the carriages before. He saw his mother die, then, as previously mentioned, he straight up killed a guy. Why does Cedric tip the scales?
9:54 - Mrs. Norris is a beautiful cat. I want to pet her.
10:04 - Gary Oldman. Yum. Also, gotta say that family tree mural thing is pretty kick ass.
10:42 - "Neville Longbottom, is it? How's mum and dad?" HA. This one gets me every time.
10:47 - Wish they had left in Ron's octopus brain fight from the book. Also, how long is this damn movie??
11:00 - Bed. I surrender.

8:09am the following day - Half Blood Prince
8:39 - "He's covered in blood again. Why is it he's always covered in blood?"

11:07 - Deathly Hallows Part 1
11:36 - Tinkie has been retrieved and taken to a wildlife center.
1:28 - Really kind of pissed that Hedwig is dead

1:29 - Deathly Hallows Part 2
2:05 - "Hermione, when have any of our plans ever actually worked? We plan, we get there, all hell breaks loose."
3:16 - Did this much shit go down at Hogwarts every year before Harry Potter went there? I mean, every fucking year, its something. Giant snakes kidnapping people, teachers trying to steal stuff to bring back dark wizards, trolls getting into the school....this is madness. Get it together, people. This is a school, for Christ's sake.

<3:28 - Marathon ends>

That's a solid 20 hours of Harry Potter. Maybe it's time I sit down and have a long serious talk with myself about what direction my life is going. For the moment, though, on to my second marathon of the weekend - BBC's Pride and Prejudice.

Who the Hell is Thelonius Monk?

So last week was pretty much a disaster, health and wellness-wise. It all started with my attempt to clean out the refrigerator by way of consuming all leftovers in the least healthy way possible. The result was this gem, a whole chicken breast, stovetop stuffing, and sourdough bread covered in turkey gravy:

There it is in all its half-eaten glory. I think my husband was mildly disgusted with me when I finished the whole thing and moved on to the chunk of brie in the cheese drawer.

That weekend was my friend's 30th birthday, so Friday night resulted in a rousing game of drinking Trivial Pursuit and an X Files marathon. I lost miserably in Trivial Pursuit for the second time in two weeks, which really pisses me off to no end. Trivia is my jam. Maybe I was unlucky with the questions. Maybe I'm not as badass a trivia nerd as I thought. Maybe I was just drunk. The world may never know. Anyway, here are the rules, designed to punish people who are good at the game so the dumbasses who suck have a shot at winning:

1 - Drink once when you answer a question correctly
2 - Drink twice if you hit 'roll again' two times in a row
3 - Drink 5 if you get a pie piece

Pretty simple. I wanted to make people finish their beer for each pie, but I was overruled. Probably good in the end, as I ended up with a massive hangover the next day, from which I was forced to emerge to rescue an injured 'hawk' which turned out to be a pigeon. Apparently people can't tell the difference. I rewarded myself with a s'mores blizzard from DQ.

Lessons from this week:

1. Gravy is one of mankind's greatest inventions
2. You can see Michigan from the Sears Tower. I guessed Nebraska. 7 years living in the midwest and I still apparently have no idea where things are
3. Agent Krycek is kind of a babe

The Lady of Shallot?

So I started doing that Buzzfeed 2 week clean eating challenge (http://www.buzzfeed.com/christinebyrne/clean-eating-challenge).

I knew it would be a lot of work, but it's REALLY  a lot of work, especially since I have to do bird rescue on Wednesday, so I'll have to prep all of the lunches and snacks for Tuesday and Wednesday and take them to work on Tuesday. I'm on day 2....the verdict so far is:

A. I have discovered that I don't like kale
B. I have re-confirmed that I don't like quinoa. Both of these facts are going to make this a true 'challenge'
C. I have already spent $75 and I'm only on day 2. I'm honestly not sure if I'm going to be able to make it through this, financially
D. The rolled oats and almond milk thing? I thought it would be really good. It actually has the consistency of Elmer's glue, and it makes a TON of it. I didn't have time to eat the whole thing, so i brought the rest to work.  
E. That shaved asparagus salad is really fucking good, and it turned out to be a pretty reasonable facsimile of the picture they posted, which is a nice bonus.

So I'm feeling about 40% happy with this so far. I mean hopefully I'll lose some weight? At the very least I'm eating healthier, which can't be a bad thing. I am mildly concerned about Memorial Day, however, as that kind of crept up on me and I didn't realize it was at the midway point of this diet. Now if I can just work up the motivation to go for a run...

It's Clobberin Time

Highlights of this week included a Clarissa Explains It All, Are You Afraid of the Dark?, and Hey Dude marathon with Jennifer. Both of us fell asleep by about 12:30, which just confirms the fact that we are 100 years old. Lauren had her baby, which while it was still inside her was totally fine but now that it's out it's completely weird that we have another tiny human among us. She gets to drink again, though.


....at work on Friday...

 me:  So...someone has a dog on our floor. And there is also a baby. And the whole floor smells like patchouli. I need a new job.
Adam:  hahahahhaahhaha ummmm what?! Why is there a dog and a baby? Also, how potent is patchouli?
 me:  Dude the whole floor reeks of soil. I don't know if its patchouli, or actual dirt, or the dog. And now the baby is crying.
Adam:  Haha go help
me:  Nah, the mother doing laps around the floor with the baby in a stroller
Adam:  Just go threaten the baby
me:  It's clobberin time
Adam:  Why are you talking like The Thing?
me:  Hahaha because its hilarious.

me:  I don't understand why he only has 3 fingers. Did the middle two just merge into one? Or did like...the middle two merge into one and also split in half and each merge half to the other two on the outside? Because they look like they're all the same size.
Adam:  Ummm that is a random thing to focus on when the guy is completely made of stone.
 me:  HA. It just makes no sense. Why does him getting turned to stone involve him losing fingers?


 Adam:

Adam: ...actually that doesn't explain anything.
 me:  HAHAHA no, but it's hilarious. What did you intend it to explain?
 Adam:  He had 4 fingers total.
 me:  But he's still missing one. My question is: Did the two center ones each divide in half and then re-merge so that the outside ones are actually one and a half fingers?
 Adam:  Maybe he didn't have any pinkies.
 me:  But why would he just lose fingers?
 Adam:  Hahahaha...maybe they felt his hands would be too absurdly big if he had 5 fingers.
 me:  He doesn't have to have huge fingers.
 Adam:  Or they did it to strictly fuck with you.
 me:  Why cant they just be proportional? He also only has 4 toes on each foot, apparently.
 Adam:  Hey, at least they are consistent.
 me:  Hahahahaha yesss. Do you think The Thing's dick is huge?
 Adam:  What the hell is wrong with you?!!!
 me:  HA. Was that not a reasonable question? If his fingers are so big they can only fit 4 on each hand, it stands to reason...
 Adam:  I thought you would be more curious about Mr. Fantastic's dick.
me:  Yesss he can 'expand any part of his body'.
Adam:  But you never see it pressed against his spandex.
 me:  Sad.

Lessons for the week:

-If superheroes have to wear spandex, and a particular superhero can 'expand any part of his body', you should totally get to see it. You see boobs galore, why not the outline of Mr. Fantastic's dong?
-While Clarissa Explains It All is still totally watchable as an adult, Are You Afraid of the Dark? is like a bad fever dream.
-Apparently 'paternity leave' is a thing. Lazy bastards. 

Bears on Unicycles

This weekend I decided to make another attempt at cabbage rolls (golabki). The last time I made them, they turned out meh, so I went with a different recipe: http://theshiksa.com/2011/10/22/stuffed-cabbage-leaves/. They turned out fucking awesome, so I have no comments to make other than that's my go-to recipe for cabbage rolls from now on. I include photos because they're a pain in the ass to make and I'm proud of the outcome. Look at that shit. Babcia would be proud.

I also made pierogies (sauerkraut and potato/cheese), which aside from also being a pain in the ass are pretty straightforward. I never used to like the sauerkraut ones, but now they're actually my favorite. I brought my Polish co-worker some leftovers. When I asked him how everything was, he said "Tastes like the motherland." Good enough for me.

Other highlights of this week include contracting a miserable head cold, meeting up with an old friend from college, who is still awesome, organizing my closets, and this conversation with Adam regarding my irritation with relationships as depicted by the entertainment industry:

Me:  I hate how in shows people just jump right into sex. Like in Game of Thrones. Robb and this girl...I'm sure she's a virgin. And he might be also. Like, geez make out a little or something. You don't have to go right to tearing each others clothes off. People don't do that. Unless you're hammered at a bar or something.

Adam:  Haha no time for that bullshit, Barb. He could die any day, just stabbed on the field of battle

Me:  Yeah and I could get hit by a bus tomorrow

Adam:  Ok, that would be an accident

Me:  So? Anyone could die at any time 

Adam:  You aren't going into battle against buses. He's going into battle. He's the king. Fuckers want to kill him.

Me:  Whatever he's got like a zillion guards. He's surrounded by his entire army. I ain't got shit protecting me from rogue buses.

Adam:  He could get hit with an arrow

Me:  I could get hit by a falling icicle

Adam:  Or one of his men could betray him, which is what happens

Me:  Jenn could snap and kill me for insulting her taste in men

Adam:  But war has a much better chance of you dying. Fuck, if I were going to battle like that, I would be trying to bang all the time

Me:  Fine whatever. MAYBE the Game of Thrones situation is potentially understandable, from ROBB'S side of things. She's a nurse. Why is she just banging him right away? And its like every show does that.

Adam:  Cause fuck, might as well enjoy it as long as I can. I might get decapitated by the hound.

Me:  Ok, shut up about Game of Thrones. We're moving on.

Adam:  Hahahaha. Don't you get all uppity with me.

I was unable to come up with a non-Game of Thrones related example, but they're out there. 

Lessons for the week:

- I need to shred paperwork more often. It takes up far too much valuable Lego and board game storage space in my closets
- All of Poland apparently smells like cabbage
- People on TV need to learn the merits of foreplay

Werewolves and Ravioli

This one falls under the category of 'experimental cooking'. I generally have pretty good luck in the kitchen, with the exception of stir fry, which, try as I might, I am apparently incapable of figuring how to make without fucking it up on an epic scale. This week's attempt was so salty it was completely inedible. Why Larry insists on forcing me to try to make it is beyond me, but at least this time I caught it before I put the noodles in and ruined the whole thing, so I just had to dump out the sauce and use some bottled stuff. I think he may finally be willing to give in and handle the stir-fry from here on out.

The following day's meal, however, was a resounding success (in my opinion, anyway). Larry won't eat cream sauce, and he was out at a bird-related lecture last night, so I took advantage of his absence to make something he doesn't like for myself. The fates also conspired to present a Twilight marathon on FXX, so my evening consisted of eating ravioli with cream sauce in my underwear, watching teen drama, and doing a puzzle, because I am either a giant tool or absolutely fucking awesome. You decide.

Anyway, here's the general procedure:

-8 oz package of mushroom ravioli
-Most of a large shallot bulb
-Asparagus
-A crapload of butter
-About 1/2c chicken stock
-About 1/2c of random white wine that my mother left in my fridge like a year ago, and is still in there because I never drink it
-About 1/4 c of cream
-Mystery hard cheese that was in an unlabeled Tupperware container (Asiago? Parmesan? Your guess is as good as mine.)

Boil the mushroom ravioli. Try not to break them all open while stirring or dumping them out into the colander. Depending on how much of a klutz/how inebriated you are, this can be difficult. Chop shallots fine, chop asparagus into about 1" pieces. Melt butter in saucepan, add shallots and asparagus (you should probably cook the asparagus seperately, but I am way too lazy to wash that many dishes). Add some salt. Cook until shallots are soft. Add chicken stock and wine (about the same amounts of each), cook until it reduces a little. Add cream, cook until it thickens a bit (about 10 minutes). Dump over ravioli, cover with mystery cheese. BOOM. This was enough sauce for the 8oz package of ravioli, which, yes, I ate all of.

In a tangentially related food note, I came to the realization that I apparently have very strong convictions about what constitutes a sub:

Adam: i mean i like hot subs. like a steak and cheese. mmmm. haven't had one of those in a long time

Me: yeah i do too but i also like cold subs

Adam: i always like the bread crunchy and the cheese melty. do love me some chicken parms.

Me: You fucking pussy

Adam: what?! where did that come from?!!!!

....12 hours later....

 Adam:  is Facebook working for you?

 me:  seems to be ok

 Adam:  hmm. won't load for me

 me:  its because you don't like cold subs

 Adam:  yes that is the reason

 Adam:  cold subs are sandwiches for me. and subs are usually hot

 me: i guess. sandwiches for me have like round rolls or slices of bread. subs are sub rolls and cold. hoagies are hot subs. i have many sandwich qualifiers apparently

 Adam:  haha apparently

Lessons of the week:

- Stir-fry is evil and must be stopped. Or at least handled by someone who is not me.
- Adam is a huge fucking pussy
- Subs in Chicago suck almost as much as pizza in Chicago sucks.

Admiral, there be whales here

Because I seem to have an inordinate amount of free time lately, I figured I would start a blog. I really have no idea what I'm doing, so for the time being, this will be a combination of experimental cooking, drinking games, inane rambling, and I'm sure the occasional rant. This time it's mostly a drinking game.

My husband is a chef and works weekends, so I spend a lot of time with my friends during the day, particularly Adam. I was bored this previous Saturday, and inquired as to whether he'd be interested in some day drinking, by way of my old copy of Monopoly. Always game (get it? game? ha.) for some early afternoon boozing, he agreed. The rules we came up with were as follows:

-Drink every time you have to pay another player (rent, 'utilities fees', whatever)
-Drink 5 if you are sent to jail
-Drink if you land on Free Parking
-Drink if you land on Chance or Community Chest
-If you land directly on Go, do a shot

This made the game surprisingly entertaining and, I have to say, we got pretty hammered pretty quickly. It also led to odd conversations such as why I had to pay $750 to stay in what I can only assume was a crack den on Baltic Avenue, and whether we kept getting sent back to jail for aggravated assault or tax evasion.

Sunday was a disappointing Super Bowl, the highlights of which were watching Paul McCartney cram a giant plate of food into his face, sad Peyton, and Liz's KICK ASS chicken wing dip. Yesterday I hit up Spiaggia for Restaurant Week with Alyssa. Today included a marathon of the first 4 Star Trek movies. My life is fascinating.

So...lessons for the week:


-Drinking Monopoly is fantastic and will be repeated
-The Seahawks could have played Pete Carroll at QB and still won
-Shatner has a strange amount of upper arm hair