Never Get Involved in a Land War in Asia

So, I recently re-watched the animated version of Anastasia with Meg Ryan (weird casting) and Kelsey Grammar (even weirder casting), and I realized something. This movie is basically Russian monarchist propaganda. They blame the entire revolution on Rasputin's curse, as though the people weren't really unhappy, it was just because Rasputin had a vendetta and cursed the royal family. It explains the motivation for the revolution as nothing more than one man's personal revenge scheme. There's also a song that includes the line: "Since the revolution our lives have been so gray" Basically, they're saying that everything has pretty much gone to hell since the monarchy fell, which may or may not be true, but you can't imagine that the peasants were that much better off under the czar.  They were starving. See also: Bloody Sunday. The czar's family are certainly sympathetic characters, regardless, (except maybe Alexandra, who may or may not have been banging Rasputin on the sly) so I dont really know why they decided to go the 'monarchy is good and the peasants were all suffering from some mass delusion caused by crazy ass Rasputin' route. I mean, they shot Anastasia's family in a basement. Was that not enough? They couldn't leave the politics out? If I were Russian, I'd be kind of pissed.

Also, at the end, they make it seem as though Anastasia has to choose between Dmitri and claiming her place as the heir to the Russian throne. Does anyone really care if a princess without a throne marries a commoner? Are there even rules about that? What was she going to do, muster an army, invade Russia, kill Lenin or Rykov or whoever, and re-instate the monarchy? I think we all know how that would have ended. In the wise words of Vizzini, "Never get involved in a land war in Asia."

And now for something completely different:

I made chimichangas last week and they were epic. Check it:

(marinade - this is basically carne asada)

3/4 lb flank steak
1/4 c. red wine vinegar
1/4 c lime juice
1/4 c oil (I used canola)
1/2 c water
chopped garlic (I used 2 cloves but I love garlic, so...garlic at your discretion)
1tsp cumin
1tsp chili powder
1tsp oregano
salt and pepper

Combine all ingredients and let marinate for at least an hour. I whisked the shit out of it so it emulsified a bit because, as you know, oil, water, and vinegar don't really mix. You can also throw in some cilantro. My husband hates it, so I left it out this time.

Assembly stuff:

4 flour tortillas (medium size)
about 2 cups shredded cheddar
beans (my recipe follows, but you can totally use canned refried)
oil for frying
guac, sour cream, salsa, yellow rice

Grill the flank steak - sear it on both sides, it should be about medium rare. take it off and let it rest for at least 10 minutes. Cut it up into bite sized chunks. Grab a tortilla, plop some beans on it, put 1/4 of your chopped flank steak on the beans, grab a fistful of cheese (how much? a fistful.)

This much.

Put it on there, wrap your tortilla up into a square (I used toothpicks to hold it together, but you probably don't have to, just remember to remove them before you try to eat the thing and stab yourself), and fry. If you have a gas range, I would recommend heating your tortillas up for about 10 seconds on each side on one of the burners, this makes them easier to fold. If you have an electric stove, you can stick them in the oven at 350 for a few minutes until they're more pliable, but watch them carefully so they don't dry out and get crispy. Maybe brush some oil on them (calm down. you're going to fry them anyway).

I pan fried mine in about a half inch of hot oil (fry on the toothpicked bottom side until golden, flip, fry on the other side until golden, remove to a paper towel). I was too lazy to break out the deep fryer, but I'm sure that would work even better. You could also theoretically bake them, but what the hell kind of fun is that? This Mexican restaurant I used to go to as a kid would deep fry them, then cover them with cheese and stick them under the broiler, just in case you needed some extra cholesterol. I may do that next time actually.

Serve with guac, sour cream, salsa, and yellow rice.

This was more than enough for 4 chimichangas, which was more than enough for 2 people. We actually only ate 1 each, so I would say this serves 4 adults, unless you are Dolph Lundgren.

Beans

(I stole this recipe from my chef husband, so the proportions are kind of vague because he never measures anything. Just keep tasting it and add more if you need to.)

1 can of black beans (do not drain)
1 small to medium garlic clove
cumin
chili powder
onion powder
oregano
salt and pepper

Chop garlic, fry in some oil until golden. Add can of beans. Sprinkle onion powder, chili powder, and cumin (I leave the sprinkle lids on and give each a good solid two shakes, maybe a little more for the cumin since it tends to clump), probably about half teaspoon of oregano or so, and salt and pepper to taste. Stir to combine. Heat until bubbly. If you've got bacon fat lying around it would also be awesome to fry the garlic in that, because bacon.

Anyway, look at this bad boy. BOOM:

You're welcome.

Bears on Unicycles

This weekend I decided to make another attempt at cabbage rolls (golabki). The last time I made them, they turned out meh, so I went with a different recipe: http://theshiksa.com/2011/10/22/stuffed-cabbage-leaves/. They turned out fucking awesome, so I have no comments to make other than that's my go-to recipe for cabbage rolls from now on. I include photos because they're a pain in the ass to make and I'm proud of the outcome. Look at that shit. Babcia would be proud.

I also made pierogies (sauerkraut and potato/cheese), which aside from also being a pain in the ass are pretty straightforward. I never used to like the sauerkraut ones, but now they're actually my favorite. I brought my Polish co-worker some leftovers. When I asked him how everything was, he said "Tastes like the motherland." Good enough for me.

Other highlights of this week include contracting a miserable head cold, meeting up with an old friend from college, who is still awesome, organizing my closets, and this conversation with Adam regarding my irritation with relationships as depicted by the entertainment industry:

Me:  I hate how in shows people just jump right into sex. Like in Game of Thrones. Robb and this girl...I'm sure she's a virgin. And he might be also. Like, geez make out a little or something. You don't have to go right to tearing each others clothes off. People don't do that. Unless you're hammered at a bar or something.

Adam:  Haha no time for that bullshit, Barb. He could die any day, just stabbed on the field of battle

Me:  Yeah and I could get hit by a bus tomorrow

Adam:  Ok, that would be an accident

Me:  So? Anyone could die at any time 

Adam:  You aren't going into battle against buses. He's going into battle. He's the king. Fuckers want to kill him.

Me:  Whatever he's got like a zillion guards. He's surrounded by his entire army. I ain't got shit protecting me from rogue buses.

Adam:  He could get hit with an arrow

Me:  I could get hit by a falling icicle

Adam:  Or one of his men could betray him, which is what happens

Me:  Jenn could snap and kill me for insulting her taste in men

Adam:  But war has a much better chance of you dying. Fuck, if I were going to battle like that, I would be trying to bang all the time

Me:  Fine whatever. MAYBE the Game of Thrones situation is potentially understandable, from ROBB'S side of things. She's a nurse. Why is she just banging him right away? And its like every show does that.

Adam:  Cause fuck, might as well enjoy it as long as I can. I might get decapitated by the hound.

Me:  Ok, shut up about Game of Thrones. We're moving on.

Adam:  Hahahaha. Don't you get all uppity with me.

I was unable to come up with a non-Game of Thrones related example, but they're out there. 

Lessons for the week:

- I need to shred paperwork more often. It takes up far too much valuable Lego and board game storage space in my closets
- All of Poland apparently smells like cabbage
- People on TV need to learn the merits of foreplay

Werewolves and Ravioli

This one falls under the category of 'experimental cooking'. I generally have pretty good luck in the kitchen, with the exception of stir fry, which, try as I might, I am apparently incapable of figuring how to make without fucking it up on an epic scale. This week's attempt was so salty it was completely inedible. Why Larry insists on forcing me to try to make it is beyond me, but at least this time I caught it before I put the noodles in and ruined the whole thing, so I just had to dump out the sauce and use some bottled stuff. I think he may finally be willing to give in and handle the stir-fry from here on out.

The following day's meal, however, was a resounding success (in my opinion, anyway). Larry won't eat cream sauce, and he was out at a bird-related lecture last night, so I took advantage of his absence to make something he doesn't like for myself. The fates also conspired to present a Twilight marathon on FXX, so my evening consisted of eating ravioli with cream sauce in my underwear, watching teen drama, and doing a puzzle, because I am either a giant tool or absolutely fucking awesome. You decide.

Anyway, here's the general procedure:

-8 oz package of mushroom ravioli
-Most of a large shallot bulb
-Asparagus
-A crapload of butter
-About 1/2c chicken stock
-About 1/2c of random white wine that my mother left in my fridge like a year ago, and is still in there because I never drink it
-About 1/4 c of cream
-Mystery hard cheese that was in an unlabeled Tupperware container (Asiago? Parmesan? Your guess is as good as mine.)

Boil the mushroom ravioli. Try not to break them all open while stirring or dumping them out into the colander. Depending on how much of a klutz/how inebriated you are, this can be difficult. Chop shallots fine, chop asparagus into about 1" pieces. Melt butter in saucepan, add shallots and asparagus (you should probably cook the asparagus seperately, but I am way too lazy to wash that many dishes). Add some salt. Cook until shallots are soft. Add chicken stock and wine (about the same amounts of each), cook until it reduces a little. Add cream, cook until it thickens a bit (about 10 minutes). Dump over ravioli, cover with mystery cheese. BOOM. This was enough sauce for the 8oz package of ravioli, which, yes, I ate all of.

In a tangentially related food note, I came to the realization that I apparently have very strong convictions about what constitutes a sub:

Adam: i mean i like hot subs. like a steak and cheese. mmmm. haven't had one of those in a long time

Me: yeah i do too but i also like cold subs

Adam: i always like the bread crunchy and the cheese melty. do love me some chicken parms.

Me: You fucking pussy

Adam: what?! where did that come from?!!!!

....12 hours later....

 Adam:  is Facebook working for you?

 me:  seems to be ok

 Adam:  hmm. won't load for me

 me:  its because you don't like cold subs

 Adam:  yes that is the reason

 Adam:  cold subs are sandwiches for me. and subs are usually hot

 me: i guess. sandwiches for me have like round rolls or slices of bread. subs are sub rolls and cold. hoagies are hot subs. i have many sandwich qualifiers apparently

 Adam:  haha apparently

Lessons of the week:

- Stir-fry is evil and must be stopped. Or at least handled by someone who is not me.
- Adam is a huge fucking pussy
- Subs in Chicago suck almost as much as pizza in Chicago sucks.