You Can Tune a Piano, but You Can’t Tuna Fish

Day 2 (Monday)

Breakfast: Overnight oats. Holy shit I forgot how much this recipe makes. This is enough food for three people. It took me three hours to finish it. I will definitely be cutting this in half going forward. 

Lunch: Leftover Greek lemon soup

Again, I forewent the snacks. After all those stupid oats, there was no way I needed them.  

Dinner: I did the Napa cabbage wraps, but I wanted something Asian, so we did stir fry and grilled tuna steaks with quinoa instead of rice. My husband marinated the tuna first. I don’t think you need to, it would be fine just grilled with salt and pepper. As usual, when he cooks things, I’m not sure exactly what he did, but it involved soy sauce, lemon juice, ginger, brown sugar, and green onions. I made the stir fry:

Sauce:

Equal parts soy sauce and chicken stock or water (I used about 3 tbsp each)

Splash of rice vinegar

½ tsp sambal olek

Pinch brown sugar

Napa cabbage wraps:

1 medium carrot, sliced on the bias

1 can baby corn

1 large garlic clove, thinly sliced

Green onions, thinly sliced

Shitake mushrooms, stems removed and sliced

2 cups cooked quinoa

1 head napa cabbage

Whisk all the sauce ingredients together until the brown sugar dissolves. Set aside. Heat some oil on high in a sauté pan. Throw in the carrots and the mushrooms, season them with salt and pepper. Let them cook until the mushrooms are browned and almost done cooking. Throw in the baby carrots and cook them until they get some color. Add a little more oil, make some space in the center and cook the garlic until golden (don’t burn the garlic). Throw in the green onions, toss quickly, throw in the sauce. The sauce only needs to cook for legit 2 seconds. If you leave the heat on it it will just evaporate, so toss everything together, count to ten, and turn off the burner. Let the veggies sit for a while.

Meanwhile, grill your tuna steaks. I like them rare, so they only need a couple minutes on each side to get a good sear. Take them off and let them rest for a couple minutes, then slice them thin.

Remove however many outer leaves from the head of cabbage you want (I used 3). Rinse them off if you want to. Put about a third of a cup of quinoa into each, then some veggies and sauce, top with your sliced tuna. This made enough for two people, with some leftover veggies which I will eat tomorrow for lunch.

I have an absolutely horrible phone camera, so this is the best picture I could get. I put some hoisin on the one on the right, which I know is verboten, not being ‘clean’, but I maintain that it was a freaking good addition:

Lessons for today:

1. After a month of -10 degree wind chills, 45 degrees is positively balmy

2. Having spent most of my adult life entirely incapable of making decent stir fry, I finally figured out that I should just make the sauce first so that I can taste it before I ruin an entire meal with it. I had to throw out my first attempt for having so much vinegar my eyes were watering.

3. I hate applying for jobs more than anything else on the planet. Except maybe raw onions. I hate raw onions.

Hoi Pollo

Well, fatty joined a weight loss group at work. Fatty has been working out at least four times a week and has stopped drinking during the week for Lent. Fatty has, however, somehow managed to actually gain weight, so fatty is going to attempt to eat better.

Since it’s actually kind of hard to ‘diet’ without strict guidelines and a whole bunch of time to look up recipes, I’ve decided to do a modified version of that Buzzfeed clean eating diet again (http://www.buzzfeed.com/christinebyrne/clean-eating-challenge#.jxNKb6l6y). You actually end up eating kind of a lot of calories (I’m only through lunch and I’m at 900 on day 2, those overnight oats are a bit much), so you’re not hungry at least. This diet is, admittedly, kind of a pain in the ass, so this time around I’m modifying it. Also, what’s the deal with them only letting you eat feta? I know you’re not supposed to eat shredded cheese because it has additives, but I see nothing wrong with a little cheddar off the block here and there. Whatevs.

Anyway, I’m recording this adventure in diary format so that if it actually helps me lose weight I can go back and see what I did correctly. I’ll also include recipes for stuff I make that’s not on Buzzfeeds list because….fuck kale. Kale is terrible.

Day 1 (Sunday)

Breakfast: I did the breakfast smoothie but with banana and mango instead of spinach. The spinach one is good, but I was wayyyy too hung over from my friend’s 1 year old’s birthday party (yes, I got drunk at an infant’s birthday. Shut up.) to go to the store and buy spinach.

Didn’t do either of the snacks for the same reason. I actually hauled my ass to Jewel around 3 and got a pear, but I didn’t end up eating it.

Lunch: 2 egg omelet with cheddar and (homemade) salsa

Dinner: Made homemade chicken broth for this Greek lemon soup I love. It takes a long time but once it’s all in the pot its mostly just wait time. Broth is pretty straightforward:

2 large bone-in chicken breasts (you can use a whole chicken but who the hell has time for that?)
48 oz swanson low sodium fat free chicken broth
1c chopped onion
1c chopped carrot
1c chopped celery
2 large garlic cloves, minced
Fresh thyme (I used about 3 sprigs)
1tsp tarragon
2 bay leaves
Salt and pepper to taste

Season your chicken breasts with salt and pepper. Throw some oil in a pot and brown your chicken boobs on both sides (don’t puss out, they need to get a nice dark brown. You may set off the smoke alarm. I always do. Don’t get overzealous and burn the damn things either, though). I left the skin on mine for this and pulled it off later, but you can remove it first if you want. You definitely don’t want to boil them with the skin on, the soup will come out super fatty. I just think it adds some flavor to brown the skin.

Once they’re browned (they don’t have to cook all the way, you’re going to boil the crap out of them anyway, remember?) take them out and put them on a plate. Turn the heat down to medium low, add more oil if you need to, and cook your vegetables for a few minutes (until the onions are translucent). Scrape all the good chicken leavings off the bottom, and don’t forget to season the vegetables. Remove the skin from the chicken (if you haven’t already) which should be cool enough for you to handle by now, and put them back into the pot with the veggies. Dump in the chicken broth and then enough water to cover the chicken breasts completely. Add your spices and some more salt and pepper. Simmer covered for around 3 hours at the lowest heat possible that still causes the broth to bubble. If you boil it too hard, the broth gets cloudy.

Once your soup is done, take out the chicken breasts and put them on a cutting board. Strain all the vegetables out of the soup. You can put them back in later if you want. I divided my soup in half and made half Greek lemon chicken soup and half regular chicken. I put my veggies back into the regular chicken, but if you do that, remember to fish out your thyme sprigs and bay leaves. Remove the meat from the chicken bones and cut it into cubes to put back into one or both soups (if you want, you can also leave it out and put it in salads or enchiladas or whatever). With the other half of the broth (again which should be strained, no veggies in this portion, you can make the Greek lemon soup:

Greek lemon soup (Avgolemono):

1 quart chicken broth from recipe above
¼ cup chopped parsley
2 eggs
2 medium lemons
Cooked quinoa (or rice)

In a large bowl, whisk together your eggs, parsley, the zest of one and the juice of both lemons. If your broth has cooled off, heat it back up until it is just simmering. Slowly pour the hot broth into the egg mixture while whisking. It should be a nice lemony color when it’s done. I threw some of the diced chicken in here as well as some quinoa. If you’re not doing clean eating, throw some rice in there instead (jasmine rice would add a nice flavor).

Boom. I love this stuff. It’s like crack. And now you have 2 kinds of soup for lunches and/or dinner for a good while so you don’t spend your life dicing vegetables for the 8 million salads Buzzfeed wants you to make. You could freeze some of it and eat it the second week as well, though I’d recommend that more with the regular chicken and not the lemon version, I’m not sure how well the eggs would translate once frozen. Might be ok.

Lessons for the day:

1. I refer to a diet as being kind of a pain in the ass and then I spend 4 hours making 2 different kinds of soup in one day. I might be a hypocrite.

2. Going shopping for baby toys at Target is incredibly entertaining. I bought a large stuffed dinosaur that I was sorely tempted to keep. I might actually need to buy one for myself…


3. I might have watched 4 episodes of Bar Rescue. That was probably a bad idea. It may have killed more brain cells than the beer.

Never Get Involved in a Land War in Asia

So, I recently re-watched the animated version of Anastasia with Meg Ryan (weird casting) and Kelsey Grammar (even weirder casting), and I realized something. This movie is basically Russian monarchist propaganda. They blame the entire revolution on Rasputin's curse, as though the people weren't really unhappy, it was just because Rasputin had a vendetta and cursed the royal family. It explains the motivation for the revolution as nothing more than one man's personal revenge scheme. There's also a song that includes the line: "Since the revolution our lives have been so gray" Basically, they're saying that everything has pretty much gone to hell since the monarchy fell, which may or may not be true, but you can't imagine that the peasants were that much better off under the czar.  They were starving. See also: Bloody Sunday. The czar's family are certainly sympathetic characters, regardless, (except maybe Alexandra, who may or may not have been banging Rasputin on the sly) so I dont really know why they decided to go the 'monarchy is good and the peasants were all suffering from some mass delusion caused by crazy ass Rasputin' route. I mean, they shot Anastasia's family in a basement. Was that not enough? They couldn't leave the politics out? If I were Russian, I'd be kind of pissed.

Also, at the end, they make it seem as though Anastasia has to choose between Dmitri and claiming her place as the heir to the Russian throne. Does anyone really care if a princess without a throne marries a commoner? Are there even rules about that? What was she going to do, muster an army, invade Russia, kill Lenin or Rykov or whoever, and re-instate the monarchy? I think we all know how that would have ended. In the wise words of Vizzini, "Never get involved in a land war in Asia."

And now for something completely different:

I made chimichangas last week and they were epic. Check it:

(marinade - this is basically carne asada)

3/4 lb flank steak
1/4 c. red wine vinegar
1/4 c lime juice
1/4 c oil (I used canola)
1/2 c water
chopped garlic (I used 2 cloves but I love garlic, so...garlic at your discretion)
1tsp cumin
1tsp chili powder
1tsp oregano
salt and pepper

Combine all ingredients and let marinate for at least an hour. I whisked the shit out of it so it emulsified a bit because, as you know, oil, water, and vinegar don't really mix. You can also throw in some cilantro. My husband hates it, so I left it out this time.

Assembly stuff:

4 flour tortillas (medium size)
about 2 cups shredded cheddar
beans (my recipe follows, but you can totally use canned refried)
oil for frying
guac, sour cream, salsa, yellow rice

Grill the flank steak - sear it on both sides, it should be about medium rare. take it off and let it rest for at least 10 minutes. Cut it up into bite sized chunks. Grab a tortilla, plop some beans on it, put 1/4 of your chopped flank steak on the beans, grab a fistful of cheese (how much? a fistful.)

This much.

Put it on there, wrap your tortilla up into a square (I used toothpicks to hold it together, but you probably don't have to, just remember to remove them before you try to eat the thing and stab yourself), and fry. If you have a gas range, I would recommend heating your tortillas up for about 10 seconds on each side on one of the burners, this makes them easier to fold. If you have an electric stove, you can stick them in the oven at 350 for a few minutes until they're more pliable, but watch them carefully so they don't dry out and get crispy. Maybe brush some oil on them (calm down. you're going to fry them anyway).

I pan fried mine in about a half inch of hot oil (fry on the toothpicked bottom side until golden, flip, fry on the other side until golden, remove to a paper towel). I was too lazy to break out the deep fryer, but I'm sure that would work even better. You could also theoretically bake them, but what the hell kind of fun is that? This Mexican restaurant I used to go to as a kid would deep fry them, then cover them with cheese and stick them under the broiler, just in case you needed some extra cholesterol. I may do that next time actually.

Serve with guac, sour cream, salsa, and yellow rice.

This was more than enough for 4 chimichangas, which was more than enough for 2 people. We actually only ate 1 each, so I would say this serves 4 adults, unless you are Dolph Lundgren.

Beans

(I stole this recipe from my chef husband, so the proportions are kind of vague because he never measures anything. Just keep tasting it and add more if you need to.)

1 can of black beans (do not drain)
1 small to medium garlic clove
cumin
chili powder
onion powder
oregano
salt and pepper

Chop garlic, fry in some oil until golden. Add can of beans. Sprinkle onion powder, chili powder, and cumin (I leave the sprinkle lids on and give each a good solid two shakes, maybe a little more for the cumin since it tends to clump), probably about half teaspoon of oregano or so, and salt and pepper to taste. Stir to combine. Heat until bubbly. If you've got bacon fat lying around it would also be awesome to fry the garlic in that, because bacon.

Anyway, look at this bad boy. BOOM:

You're welcome.

The Horcrux of the Matter

So we have a long weekend because of Labor Day. Seemed like a good excuse for a Harry Potter Marathon.

9:30 am - I put in The Sorcerer's Stone

10:06 something occurs to me:

Harry: "Hagrid, what exactly are these things?"
Hagrid: "Goblins, Harry. Clever as they come, goblins, but not the most friendly of beasts."

Things? Beasts? I mean, they talk. They're clearly not animals. Hagrid says they're clever. They're bankers. The have large noses and ears. Check out this side profile of Griphook:

That's not a racist stereotype, right? I'm just reading too much into this....right????

Are they....are they supposed to be Jewish? Way to be a racist dick, J.K. I felt this was a good time to step away for a few minutes and do some dishes.

10:43 - Maybe it's the accent, but Oliver Wood is kind of hot. Yes, I realize he's like 15.
11:49 - Harry straight up murders a dude. He's 11 years old. That's fucking DARK.

12:03 - Concluding remarks - I really wish they could have worked in a musical number for Richard Harris. I seem to remember that Dudley had to have that pig tail Harry gave him surgically removed. I know Dudley was kind of a dick, but really Harry, you couldn't have removed that for him magically? Taking things a bit far, aren't we? Also, there seems to be about one 20 some odd pound turkey per every 4 students at the end of the year feast. I hope they're donating all those leftovers to the poor or something.

12:05 -Chamber of Secrets. Dobby, as the slightly less annoying Jar Jar Binks of the Harry Potter universe.
12:16 - Molly Weasley's clothes are batshit crazy. She dresses like some sort of flower child bag lady. Look at this fucking getup:

"Wanna buy some quaaludes?"

2:38 - Concluding remarks: Lucius Malfoy is a fox. Ron's facial expressions during the entire spider sequence are fantastic and completely accurate. "'Follow the spiders'?? Why couldn't it be 'follow the butterflies?'"

2:45 - The Prisoner of Azkaban - That Jamaican shrunken talking head thing on the Knight Bus is creepy as FUCK. Also, Richard Harris has been replaced by Michael Gambon. Frown.
Hermione: "Is that really what my hair looks like from behind?"
4:30 - Marathon interrupted due to bird rescue and trip to grocery store. There was an injured crow on our street. I retrieved him and named him Tinkie.

5:29 - Goblet of Fire
5:32 - Another dude gets murdered
5:34 - It occurs to me that this may well be Robert Pattinson's best work. He just has to stand around and look pretty and not say much. He's good at that.
6:02 - I have now started drinking

8:52 - Order of the Phoenix - I have a reasonable buzz at this point. 
8:53 - This movie is miserable. This book is miserable. Everyone IN this movie is miserable. The  high point is where Umbridge may or may not get raped by centaurs: http://www.cracked.com/article_19397_the-5-most-depraved-sex-scenes-implied-by-harry-potter.html
Number one on that list has actually crossed my mind on several occasions. Particularly, what if Hagrid's DAD was a giant?
9:14 - Gary Oldman is a fox. I've thought so since the Scarlet Letter, but that's probably a subject for another blog entry.

Do my shoe buckles make you uncomfortable?

9:21 - Ok wait...I'm confused as to why Harry never saw the dead horse things pulling the carriages before. He saw his mother die, then, as previously mentioned, he straight up killed a guy. Why does Cedric tip the scales?
9:54 - Mrs. Norris is a beautiful cat. I want to pet her.
10:04 - Gary Oldman. Yum. Also, gotta say that family tree mural thing is pretty kick ass.
10:42 - "Neville Longbottom, is it? How's mum and dad?" HA. This one gets me every time.
10:47 - Wish they had left in Ron's octopus brain fight from the book. Also, how long is this damn movie??
11:00 - Bed. I surrender.

8:09am the following day - Half Blood Prince
8:39 - "He's covered in blood again. Why is it he's always covered in blood?"

11:07 - Deathly Hallows Part 1
11:36 - Tinkie has been retrieved and taken to a wildlife center.
1:28 - Really kind of pissed that Hedwig is dead

1:29 - Deathly Hallows Part 2
2:05 - "Hermione, when have any of our plans ever actually worked? We plan, we get there, all hell breaks loose."
3:16 - Did this much shit go down at Hogwarts every year before Harry Potter went there? I mean, every fucking year, its something. Giant snakes kidnapping people, teachers trying to steal stuff to bring back dark wizards, trolls getting into the school....this is madness. Get it together, people. This is a school, for Christ's sake.

<3:28 - Marathon ends>

That's a solid 20 hours of Harry Potter. Maybe it's time I sit down and have a long serious talk with myself about what direction my life is going. For the moment, though, on to my second marathon of the weekend - BBC's Pride and Prejudice.

Who the Hell is Thelonius Monk?

So last week was pretty much a disaster, health and wellness-wise. It all started with my attempt to clean out the refrigerator by way of consuming all leftovers in the least healthy way possible. The result was this gem, a whole chicken breast, stovetop stuffing, and sourdough bread covered in turkey gravy:

There it is in all its half-eaten glory. I think my husband was mildly disgusted with me when I finished the whole thing and moved on to the chunk of brie in the cheese drawer.

That weekend was my friend's 30th birthday, so Friday night resulted in a rousing game of drinking Trivial Pursuit and an X Files marathon. I lost miserably in Trivial Pursuit for the second time in two weeks, which really pisses me off to no end. Trivia is my jam. Maybe I was unlucky with the questions. Maybe I'm not as badass a trivia nerd as I thought. Maybe I was just drunk. The world may never know. Anyway, here are the rules, designed to punish people who are good at the game so the dumbasses who suck have a shot at winning:

1 - Drink once when you answer a question correctly
2 - Drink twice if you hit 'roll again' two times in a row
3 - Drink 5 if you get a pie piece

Pretty simple. I wanted to make people finish their beer for each pie, but I was overruled. Probably good in the end, as I ended up with a massive hangover the next day, from which I was forced to emerge to rescue an injured 'hawk' which turned out to be a pigeon. Apparently people can't tell the difference. I rewarded myself with a s'mores blizzard from DQ.

Lessons from this week:

1. Gravy is one of mankind's greatest inventions
2. You can see Michigan from the Sears Tower. I guessed Nebraska. 7 years living in the midwest and I still apparently have no idea where things are
3. Agent Krycek is kind of a babe

The Lady of Shallot?

So I started doing that Buzzfeed 2 week clean eating challenge (http://www.buzzfeed.com/christinebyrne/clean-eating-challenge).

I knew it would be a lot of work, but it's REALLY  a lot of work, especially since I have to do bird rescue on Wednesday, so I'll have to prep all of the lunches and snacks for Tuesday and Wednesday and take them to work on Tuesday. I'm on day 2....the verdict so far is:

A. I have discovered that I don't like kale
B. I have re-confirmed that I don't like quinoa. Both of these facts are going to make this a true 'challenge'
C. I have already spent $75 and I'm only on day 2. I'm honestly not sure if I'm going to be able to make it through this, financially
D. The rolled oats and almond milk thing? I thought it would be really good. It actually has the consistency of Elmer's glue, and it makes a TON of it. I didn't have time to eat the whole thing, so i brought the rest to work.  
E. That shaved asparagus salad is really fucking good, and it turned out to be a pretty reasonable facsimile of the picture they posted, which is a nice bonus.

So I'm feeling about 40% happy with this so far. I mean hopefully I'll lose some weight? At the very least I'm eating healthier, which can't be a bad thing. I am mildly concerned about Memorial Day, however, as that kind of crept up on me and I didn't realize it was at the midway point of this diet. Now if I can just work up the motivation to go for a run...

It's Clobberin Time

Highlights of this week included a Clarissa Explains It All, Are You Afraid of the Dark?, and Hey Dude marathon with Jennifer. Both of us fell asleep by about 12:30, which just confirms the fact that we are 100 years old. Lauren had her baby, which while it was still inside her was totally fine but now that it's out it's completely weird that we have another tiny human among us. She gets to drink again, though.


....at work on Friday...

 me:  So...someone has a dog on our floor. And there is also a baby. And the whole floor smells like patchouli. I need a new job.
Adam:  hahahahhaahhaha ummmm what?! Why is there a dog and a baby? Also, how potent is patchouli?
 me:  Dude the whole floor reeks of soil. I don't know if its patchouli, or actual dirt, or the dog. And now the baby is crying.
Adam:  Haha go help
me:  Nah, the mother doing laps around the floor with the baby in a stroller
Adam:  Just go threaten the baby
me:  It's clobberin time
Adam:  Why are you talking like The Thing?
me:  Hahaha because its hilarious.

me:  I don't understand why he only has 3 fingers. Did the middle two just merge into one? Or did like...the middle two merge into one and also split in half and each merge half to the other two on the outside? Because they look like they're all the same size.
Adam:  Ummm that is a random thing to focus on when the guy is completely made of stone.
 me:  HA. It just makes no sense. Why does him getting turned to stone involve him losing fingers?


 Adam:

Adam: ...actually that doesn't explain anything.
 me:  HAHAHA no, but it's hilarious. What did you intend it to explain?
 Adam:  He had 4 fingers total.
 me:  But he's still missing one. My question is: Did the two center ones each divide in half and then re-merge so that the outside ones are actually one and a half fingers?
 Adam:  Maybe he didn't have any pinkies.
 me:  But why would he just lose fingers?
 Adam:  Hahahaha...maybe they felt his hands would be too absurdly big if he had 5 fingers.
 me:  He doesn't have to have huge fingers.
 Adam:  Or they did it to strictly fuck with you.
 me:  Why cant they just be proportional? He also only has 4 toes on each foot, apparently.
 Adam:  Hey, at least they are consistent.
 me:  Hahahahaha yesss. Do you think The Thing's dick is huge?
 Adam:  What the hell is wrong with you?!!!
 me:  HA. Was that not a reasonable question? If his fingers are so big they can only fit 4 on each hand, it stands to reason...
 Adam:  I thought you would be more curious about Mr. Fantastic's dick.
me:  Yesss he can 'expand any part of his body'.
Adam:  But you never see it pressed against his spandex.
 me:  Sad.

Lessons for the week:

-If superheroes have to wear spandex, and a particular superhero can 'expand any part of his body', you should totally get to see it. You see boobs galore, why not the outline of Mr. Fantastic's dong?
-While Clarissa Explains It All is still totally watchable as an adult, Are You Afraid of the Dark? is like a bad fever dream.
-Apparently 'paternity leave' is a thing. Lazy bastards.